How To Solve Any Problem Ever
by AIRbooks
Summary: Matt has a horrible problem that needs urgent solving. There's only one thing to do! Read this story so you don't have to wait in suspense!


**It's short, but I hope you find it funny. I was feeling silly. Please review!**

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Matt was having a problem. It was an incredibly serious and pressing problem. He needed help.

For the first time in a while, Matt was having trouble with something that wasn't Mello's anger issues. Part of the problem with Mello, though was that he refused to admit it and Matt had honestly given up. As had everyone else, but that wasn't the point. Mello was not his problem at the moment.

This was different. It required fineness and knowledge. Matt only knew one thing he could do at the moment. There was only one thing to do and even though it'd be hard to resort to these methods after so long, he knew it would do him good. Then he'd actually be able to get some work done!

He'd recently started a series of programming jobs and it was quite fun, but he needed concentration and that meant getting rid of this _problem_. It was truly a horrible, _horrible_ problem and it had plagued many people and would for many years in the future. Perhaps forever. He supposed everyone knew that.

There were always problems. No utopian society here!

Matt jumped off his bed, leaving his computers behind in favor of fixing his problem. Sometimes, Matt really hated that he had to resort to means like this, but it was necessary and he knew it was the only way. Well, there might be _other ways_ … Nope! None of them would work. This was the only option.

He sort of hoped Mello wouldn't find out, though. That'd be embarrassing and he'd most likely be teased forever. That, and teenaged years came with hormones and Mello was prone to severe reactions to things based on mood and if he tried to stand up for himself, he could get punched. Matt didn't feel like being socked in the head and having to deal with guilty Mello later. Guilty Mello was insecure and didn't have the best self-esteem. He often needed _lots_ of chocolate that _Matt_ had to steal and it just wasn't worth it.

Walking down the hallway, Matt stopped to remember where he'd last seen the solution to his little problem. Computer lab? No. …Maybe. Hidden room? No, he doubted it. Plus, he was lazy. Playroom? …Perhaps. Matt decided to start with the closest one: the playroom.

Walking briskly to hopefully encourage people to leave him be, Matt made his way to the playroom. He didn't need any interruptions making this excursion take longer than necessary. He hoped Mello didn't find him because then he'd be distracted from his attempt at fixing his distractedness and wouldn't _that_ be fun to explain. No way.

The halls in Wammy's were twisty and hard to navigate without memorization of them. Matt felt glad he'd memorized them years before, and he was still thankful for the map from the first month or so occasionally. He still was thankful every time he walked through the halls, but often for various things in his life in general.

Upon reaching the playroom, Matt was not the least bit surprised to find Near situated amongst the toys and puzzles. The pale boy was sitting contentedly in the middle of an in-progress lego house that was going to be big enough to walk inside. Matt looked forward to seeing it finished. Mello would probably kill it, but he got the feeling Near didn't really care.

"Hey, Near!" Matt knew Near wasn't one to talk very much and preferred to be left alone most often. Matt could relate, but he always greeted him anyway. Just, not around Mello, as it made him angry. He also knew that Near wasn't going to try to have a conversation with him, especially when he looked busy. He was pretty busy right now.

He walked in a quick and rather small circle in the middle of the playroom, spinning, and scanning the room for the solution. He did it again. And again. No luck.

"Do you need anything, Matt, or are you just spinning in the center of the room for the dizziness you're going to feel in a moment?" Near was blunt like that, but he was at least curious. Mello was like that, too sometimes, but Near didn't use vulgar language nearly as often. Ha.

Matt chuckled a little and stopped spinning. It was true he _did_ sometimes like the dizzy feeling that came from spinning, but he had a reason this time.

"Nope!" He said cheerfully. "I'm looking for something, which isn't in here. Bye, Near!" Matt started leaving the room. He smiled, though, when Near mumbled a tiny farewell in return. He liked Near and he liked Mello, and really, he sort of wished they'd get along, but that wasn't happening. Too bad.

Matt decided he didn't want to check the secret rooms. There were too many and he was too lazy and he didn't want to run into Mello in a bad mood, as he knew he would be from the punishment Roger had assigned to him this morning. Mello had a thing for the secret rooms that Matt didn't quite understand, but he left it alone. Mello often went to one when he was upset. He was most likely upset.

That morning, Mello had dumped a bowl of milk left over from cereal onto a kid's head. In Mello's defense, the guy was talking about surpassing him—and by extension, Near— and being number one. Matt, as someone who had hacked into the grades, knew the kid was nowhere close to ever moving ranks. Matt himself didn't see much point in ranks or becoming L anyway.

Matt ducked his head as he walked to the computer lab. This was where he had to be careful, as he had to walk right through a crowded hall. Everyone had taken to calling it "The Hall of Hell" as there were always people there during the day. That, and shit tended to go down in that area. Not the drama-and-gossip shit, the oh-hell-someone's-been-murdered-and-panic-time shit. Great, fun, hallway, ya know? Just lovely.

He hurried through the hall, hoping to hope that no one would call after him. No one did and Matt made it through! It was a victorious day! He ought to celebrate later, but right now he was on a hunt. He had to find the _only thing_ that could help him!

He opened the door to the computer lab, and was glad to find it empty. No one to witness this. No one to be killed. Perfect… He may or may not have been grinning maliciously in the doorway.

He walked swiftly along the rows of desks and computers, searching for it. It was only at the last row he found the solution to his problems. The answer to life, the universe, and everything! The last digit of pi! The god of the universe!

The yellow rubber duck!

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 **To get the joke, I suggest this:** /pin /531213718534065614/ at pinterest dot com


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